The Red Moon is Laughing
by macadamia96
Summary: A series of comedy stories and parody one shots revolving around our friends in the Akatsuki. Read about Hidan's discussion with some gate guards, and learn why Pein decided to fire Kisame. More to come, so watch out. Various ratings and characters...
1. Puss in Boots

Hidan was not happy

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Title: Puss in Boots

Characters: Hidan, Kakuzu

Rating: Teen to Mature – some swearing (no F-bombs) and depending on your sexuality, possible slurs

Words: 1,202

Other: I have nothing against gay people… however, the phrase fits well in the story so… S. I. U. if it bothers you so much! Or just skip this one…

………………………………………………………….

Hidan was not happy. It was almost noon and the blistering heat was not only making him uncomfortable but, was also lulling him into a light doze. Three long days and nights had passed since he had gotten a full night's rest, and, although the lack of sleep wouldn't kill him, it did severely dull his observance skills and made him all around extra cranky.

Sour faced, he passed under the huge looming gates of the walled town, just managing to keep Kakuzu in his line of sight. His vision blurring slightly as the sun's rays were blocked out, he didn't see the jutting rock in his path until it was too late and the next thing he knew, he was exploring the exact texture of the cobblestone road with his forehead.

Grumbling halfheartedly, he started to push himself off the ground, pausing when he heard the two guards, who had actually climbed out of their booth to get a better look at him, begin to speak.

"Oh shit…look at that poor bastard…fell flat on his face."

"Hehe…so he did. Probably tripped on the hem of his coat. Hey, you ever seen a coat like that?"

"Can't say I have, Shichi, but I think it would look mighty fine on me…don't you?" The larger guard said, rubbing a thumb over his dark, tanned, nose.

"Yeah, it would suit you perfectly. Accentuate all your womanly curves. It would make you look right pretty," his companion deadpanned before letting out a low chuckle.

"Oh…are you saying I'm girly? Whose wife caught her husband wearing her bra under his chunin vest? Not mine, asshole!"

The Akatsuki watched from the ground as the dark guard pinned the smaller one up against the stone wall. With a muffled squeak, the trapped guard tried to placate his enraged partner, "Darl! Darl, I wasn't calling you girly, man. That cloak would make anyone look gay! I mean look at it! It's covered in those pansy-ass flower things!"

Hidan felt the blood rush up to his face and his eyebrow gave an angry twitch. It wasn't as if the cloak was his favorite article of clothing. Hell, he didn't even like the damn thing, but anyone who insinuated that _he,_ the hunkiest damn piece of man flesh on the earth, looked _gay_ was in for the worst beating of their lifetime.

"I think they're jellyfish."

"Why the hell would anyone put jellyfish on a coat like that?! You know what? It doesn't matter. The fact is, that is one gay cloak!"

"You know what this conversation reminds me of? You remember that kid's fairy tale, the one with that little rodent who was walking around in people shoes? Squirrel something…"

"It's _Puss in Boots_, dipshit, not _Squirrel in Pumps_!!"

"Yeah well, if you tweak the title a little bit you get that guy's description. _Pussy in Gay-Ass Leggings!"_

Both guards burst into giggles, Shichi grabbing his own ribs to keep from falling over. As his laughter subsided into high pitched giggles, Darl cast a cheery eye to the spot where the man had fallen.

Slowly, the wide grin on his face disappeared. He turned to his jolly partner and jabbed him with his elbow then pointed at the empty spot. Glancing silently at each other, Darl shrugged nonchalantly, thinking the man must have moved on, and returned to his post.

Or to be more specific, he tried to return. Halfway there, he slammed into something much harder, albeit smaller, than himself.

Bouncing back, he started to fall and prepared himself for the rough landing, which never came. Instead, Darl found his arm twisted into an awkward angle, and his face very close to the very red face and very red eyes of Hidan.

One silver eyebrow twitched as a feral grin flashed across the Akatsuki's face. Hidan leaned in close so that a few stray hairs brushed against the other man's forehead and opened his mouth to speak.

"Meow," he hissed and Darl felt something wet and warm shoot down his leg.

……………………………………………**...**

Half an hour later, Kakuzu watched as a half naked Hidan marched into the open air café and plopped into the chair across from him. A large cloud of hatred and rage hovered over the brunette and the Jashinist, sensing that something was wrong, turned to his partner and said, "Who the hell pissed in your cornflakes, Yoshi?"

The large man's green orbs narrowed to dangerous slits as he slid forward and wrapped his massive hands around his partner's throat. "_Where…the…hell…were…you?!_" he hissed, shaking Hidan with each word for emphasis.

"_And…where…the…hell…is…your…cloak?! Do… you… have …any …idea …how …much…that cost me to make?!_" He continued, shifting his grip so that he could slam his partner's head instead. As Kakuzu went in for the final blow, Hidan managed to choke out, "Deb-Debate."

"What?" The rogue Falls-nin growled, freezing immediately, his partner's face hovering inches from the table.

"Are you freaking deaf? I was having a debate on personal style and children's stories with the two ass-hole guards at the gate, seriously. Now let me up, shithead!" He proclaimed haughtily, sticking his tongue out at his last sentence.

Too stunned by the civil (well, civil by Hidan's means) and unanticipated answer to do anything harmful to the man, Kakuzu released him. Blinking slowly as he tried to comprehend the fact that _Hidan,_ had debated _anyone_ about _anything_, he finally managed a response of, "How the hell did having a debate make you lose your cloak?"

A wide grin spread across the zealot's face and the Falls-nin frowned, cutting Hidan off with "I don't give a damn what happened, you're paying for the cloak." Pausing only to blow a raspberry (you know, when you stick out your tongue and blow, that's what it's called) at his partner, the Jashinist continued with his story, earning an eye roll from Kakuzu.

…………………………………………………**..**

Takoshi Himmamori glanced down at his chart as he stood facing the front gate's guard station. The two guards, a Darl Sangoi and Shichi Gomo were nowhere to be seen, and, as the Chief Occupational Overseer, it was his job to discover where exactly they had disappeared to.

A scowl plastered on his pinched face, he snuck past several roly-poly merchants and dodged around a rather angry farmer chasing down a dog with a squawking chicken hanging from its mouth.

Somersaulting up to the wall separating the guards' desk and chairs from the main road, (yes, he is a little gung-ho) he peered over it and choked at what he saw.

Darl and Shichi were sitting back to back, tied in place and gagged by what looked like long strips of black cloth with a...jellyfish pattern. Consequently, said strips of cloth were the only things keeping the world from getting a perfect view of both men's birthday suits. Although they looked battered, bruised and frightened, they seemed relatively unharmed.

Upon seeing their superior officer, the two let out muffled cries of relief and began to try squirming free of their bonds. As he got closer, Takoshi realized something was written them. The words _'The Puss Kicked My Pansy Ass' _were painted across each man's bare chest in bold, sloppy, red lettering.

……………………………………………………………….

Don't you just love how Hidan thinks so highly of himself? I guess that's just what sets him apart from the others...his silver hair, religion, and over-inflated egotistical head. Anyway, hope you liked this one... I could totally imagine calling someone that...

In fact, come the return of school, I think I will...Muwhahahahahahahaha... Anyway, hope you liked this story...Tsuchs!


	2. Fiercest Creature in the Sea

"Kisame

Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto characters…the plot as well as the O.C. are mine…(Mine I tell you!)

Title: Fiercest Creature in the Sea (Chapter 1?)

Main Characters: Kisame, Itachi, and Pein

Special Appearances by: Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu and introducing someone new

Rating: Teen

Words: 1, 580

………………………………………………………………**..**

"Kisame."

The shiny cover of _Macramé for Beginners_ lowered several centimeters, just enough for two silver-black eyes to peer curiously out. Itachi watched the larger man stoically, unmoving from his position leaning against the doorframe.

Kisame placed the magazine on the low side table, and uncrossed his legs, leaning forward expectantly. As he waited for his young partner to say something, the shark-nin locked his hands together and began to twiddle his thumbs, a horrible habit he had picked up during his academy years.

After a few minutes of the awkward silence and continuous staring, Kisame ventured a tentative, "Yes, Itachi-san?", while shifting uncomfortably in the overstuffed plaid armchair (because all evil lairs have at least one plaid armchair).

"Leader-sama wishes to see us," rang out Itachi's monotone.

"Um, oh...okay," he replied and reluctantly rose from the devilishly comfortable chair, casting his discarded reading material one last longing look before striding past the Uchiha and out the door.

…………………………………………………………………**..**

Kisame glanced indignantly at his partner as he fought to balance on the tiny Barney footstool. Itachi had, by some miracle, reached their Leader's dark office first and had claimed the only regular sized chair since Kakuzu's most recent eruption over the growing price of mangoes and Deidara's unexplained need for them.

Breaking off his angry glare as Pein's chair swiveled around to face them, the Mist-nin redirected his full attentions to the pierced man. Placing his elbows on the desk with a soft thump, the leader twined his fingers together and stared at his subordinates with his strange, ringed eyes.

"Kisame. Itachi. We have something to discuss," he began, breaking his hands apart to reach for a stray paper lying on his desk. An uneasy feeling curled from the depths of the shark-nin's stomach, but he kept his regular grin on his face.

"It has come to my attention, Kisame-san, that in recent weeks, the number of deaths due to sharks has decreased. In fact, no one has been killed by a shark in over eight months," Pein continued, raising a ginger eyebrow as his eyes flickered over the paper in his hand.

Kisame glanced at his partner questioningly before facing the pierced man. "Leader-sama, I'm not quite sure what that has to do with me."

"Quite simply, we don't need you here at the Akatsuki anymore. You have been surpassed, and usurped, if you will, by another."

Surprise flitted across the blue man's face; he had not been expecting this.

"Um, what? Whoa… whoa… you," he abandoned all semblance of calmness and leaned forward, his stool tottering dangerously as he pointed at Pein, "are going to replace me, because shark attacks have decreased? _Why?!"_

Pein sent Itachi, who was staring blandly into space, an awkward glance and shrugged in defeat. "Sharks just aren't the kings of the ocean anymore. Therefore Kisame, you, who closely resembles a shark in appear…that is mannerisms and skills… are no longer needed by the Akatsuki."

The Mist-nin leaned forward obstinately, upsetting what precious little balance he had and ended up kneeling on the floor, fingers putting dents in the top of their leader's desk.

In a high pitched voice, he hissed, "Are you saying I'm being cut from the Akatsuki, which I have spent nearly eleven years of my life in, because I look like a shark and they just happen to be underperforming in the death department?!"

"No," Pein deadpanned and for a brief second, confusion and relief flashed across the blue man's face, then, the pierced man finished his statement. "I'm replacing you."

Kisame let out a pained cry and fell back, trapping the stool under his muscled body for a moment before his weight was too much and it shot across the room and into the stone wall. It exploded in a myriad of wood, glue dust, and purple, painted dinosaur faces.

"With who?!" He howled from the floor, casting his partner a pained look.

……………………………………………………………

Deidara had been sitting at the common room table, eating one of his homemade (more like lair-made) mango muffins and doing everything in his power to avoid the still enraged Kakuzu, when a strange creature had entered the room.

Unable to break his gaze away from the monstrosity, he silently watched it stumble over to him and sit down, effectively shaking the table. The blonde shrank back slightly, the muffin-y goodness suddenly turning to a sticky paste in the back of his throat.

"Hello," a wheezing voice mewed as Deidara continued to cough into his arm, (he couldn't very well cough into his hands, now could he?), trying to dislodge the obstruction.

…………………………………………**. **

"His name is Lawrence," Pein stated quietly, his cool gaze locked on the distraught man spread out across the tiles.

Letting out a pitiful howl, Kisame pressed his palms up to his eyes and asked forlornly, "What does Itachi think of this?"

"Itachi is fine with the new arrangements and has already gone on a mission with his new partner."

"What?! When?!" The blue man blanched, sitting up quickly to glare accusingly at his partner, the feeling of utter betrayal clawing at his stomach.

"Yesterday, when you went out, the two of them infiltrated a holding facility for various forms of sea life and, after killing the head trainer, set the animals free, as the clients requested."

An enraged look crossed his face, as he whipped his blue head around to face Pein. "You sent them on a mission to FRIKKING SEA WORLD!? I WANTED TO DO THAT MISSION!! HOW…how could you?" his tirade ended in a hiss, eyes narrowed in accusation.

The other man shrugged, "Lawrence was more suited to the job."

"I'm A FRIKKIN SHARK NINJA! OK! YES! I KNOW THE RESEMBLANCE! GO AHEAD! LAUGH DAMNIT! BUT AFTER YOU'RE DONE WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW THE HELL LAWRENCE IS MORE SUITED TO SEA WORLD THAN ME!"

"Are you finished?" Pein asked as Kisame leaned across his desk, a snarl plastered on his face. After a few moments of silence, the pierced man continued, "If you had given me a chance to explain, Lawrence also has a certain resemblance to an animal."

"What animal?" the shark-nin snarled through clenched teeth even as the fleeting thought that, _Hey, getting in Pein-sama's face like this might not be such a great idea…_ flashed through his mind.

……………………………………………………………**.**

Hidan struggled to hop down the hallway, his severed leg in hand. Every few steps, (or hops), he would turn around and glare accusingly at an equally bloody Kakuzu. Eventually tiring of the repeated glances, the larger falls-nin snapped, "Turn around one more time and we'll see just how far up your ass I can shove your own leg."

"I bet you'd like that, you sick son of a bi-"

Suddenly, a loud crash and a stream of curses from Deidara sounded from the kitchen, which just happened to be their destination.

Forgetting his desire to begin yet another scuffle with his partner, Hidan began to redouble his efforts to reach the kitchen, intent on seeing his the Akatsuki bomber beat the living hell out of Tobi who had most likely been the cause of the commotion.

Kakuzu, who still had a bone to pick with the surprisingly elusive (who would have thought an explosives expert could hide so well?) artist over his need for mangoes, also kicked it into overdrive.

Quickly overtaking the Jashinist, the human tailor was the first to reach the kitchen doorway, and when he did, his jaw dropped open in surprise (not that anyone could actually see that).

"Holy Shit!" Came Hidan's voice from behind him, "and I thought you were ugly…"

Ignoring the younger man, he continued to watch as the newcomer approached Deidara, who had a look that was halfway between terror and rage plastered on his face. And Kakuzu could see why.

The newcomer, a massive man with a light gray coloring, was munching on an orange muffin, his thick, webbed fingers grasping the treat awkwardly. Large flaps of skin connected his arms to his sides creating a kite-like silhouette from behind, and a long, jagged dark gray tail sprouted from his lower back.

…………………………………………………………………**..**

"Sting Ray."

It was the first thing Itachi had said in the entire meeting. Kisame glanced back at the young man, his confusion evident on his face.

"Sting Ray? I'm being replaced by a sting ray?"

"No, you're being replaced by a sting ray ninja." Pein chimed in.

"WHAT? BUT STING RAYS DON'T KILL ANYONE!"

"In the last two years, two people have been killed by sting rays. They're even more ruthless than Itachi-san over there."

Itachi nodded solemnly at this. "True."

"But I haven't heard anything about anyone getting killed by a stingray."

"You don't remember hearing that news story about the woman who was innocently sunbathing on a ship deck during her vacation? A large ray leapt out of the water, hit her in the face, knocked her off of her deckchair, and killed her almost instantly (M: true story actually)! How brutal! How amazingly cunning!"

"So? It was just chance that the ray hit her! A shark goes after people!"

"Oh, so was Steve Irwin's," Pein made the sign of the cross on his chest and Itachi bowed his head, "death by chance? THAT RAY HUNTED IRWIN DOWN!"

Kisame shrank back as his leader leaned forward, tears leaking from his Rinnegan eyes, and spat out, "You…you have three hours to collect your things! Now get out!"

**TO BE CONTINUED….**

………………………………………………………………**.**

Tell me if you think I should continue on with this little crack comedy about poor Kisame…I mean, honestly, how can you live without knowing what will happen to our poor, dejected, shark-y friend? Anyway, I hope this was at least a little funny… I thought it was a good concept, at least…

To be killed by a stingray while on vacation. What a horrible way to die! I feel so bad for that woman's family…(true story too, she was from Michigan and went on vacation to Florida where she was killed by a some sort of ray! My heart goes out to her family as well as Mr. Irwin's)… anyway, happy readings!


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